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(Recent events have caused me to evaluate the subject of friendship. I don't mind doing this, and by adding obligation into the mix, perhaps we will expose some long-standing deontological beliefs for what they are: impediments to one's happiness.)

Love, whether it be romantic or not, is an extension of friendship. While a man does not love his girlfriend or wife the same way he loves his friend, he does love them both, and with the same epistemological/ethical base: respect and admiration. These two values make love possible. It is expected that a man will love and value his wife above others because this is the person he has chosen to be with for the rest of his life. For the rational man, this choice is based on his value-system, and is the summation of an internal reflection on his own worth.

It is necessary that people understand some of the implied deontological ethics that have been accepted by society. So doing, they will be in a greater degree of control of their relationships and of their own mental well being. Let us examine some of these beliefs now:

The expected response in our society is anger. This anger can be directed at one's boyfriend/girlfriend, or at their best friend. Aside from the pain that one feels, they may also claim betrayal. If the two people specifically set out to hurt the third party, then his feelings of betrayal and anger are justified. If not, then feelings of anger and betrayal are not justified. While this may sound ridiculous, given that anger is a natural response, it isn't. Understanding that love is a response to values, your mate may be leaving you for your friend because s/he has found more values that they share in this person. So, for an individual to become upset, they are demanding that their mate sacrifice his/her values and stay with them.

Additionally, one may become upset with their friend for "stealing" away one's girlfriend. This is the belief in duty-bound ethics that provides for an individual to convince themselves that their anger is justified. The fact is that no one ever "steals" anyone else's partner. There is always a choice made volitionally by both individuals. Deontological ethics argue that one should not pursue their friend's mate, out of obligation to their friendship. However, if one responds to this person's values, to not pursue anything out of a sense of obligation to their friend is a sacrifice. Friendships should not be based on sacrifice.

Most people may have considered the idea that they must handle this friend with kid gloves and take an apologetic tone with them. This is absolutely wrong. This implies that one is apologizing for being in a relationship. They are choosing to be in a relationship because it makes them happy. Therefore, such a person is apologizing for pursuing his or her own happiness. The error here is in believing that one's statement of desire is an obligation on the person they want.

If a person's statement of love is made with the expectation of reciprocation, then it was not a statement but a wish that they hope will be granted. While it can be expected that a person will want the object of their desire to respond favorably, it is not guaranteed. If one is fully ready and honest in their telling someone that they love them, they must be prepared to accept the consequences of their actions, good or bad. Then, their love is given as a payment to the other's virtues, and it is not used as a claim on anyone else. Love is a payment that is never given in advance.

Apologizing for pursuing your own happiness (by means of entering a relationship) belittles your friend, your boyfriend/girlfriend, and yourself. Do not feel obliged to go out of your way to accommodate your friend, because that too is an insult to the strength of your friendship.

The actual obligations that one has towards their friends are very limited. Honesty and respect for their rights are the only things that one is obligated to give their friend. One's friends are by implication more important than a stranger, but they are not entitled to anymore of a claim on one's life.

You do not have to make special time for any of your friends. This insults them by implication insofar as it tells them that you set aside time from what you wanted to do in order the spend time with them. This places the role of being a burden to you on them. Imagine how they would feel if they realized that this was what you are doing? One may not even realize that they are insulting their friends. Additionally, one may think that only calling on someone when they wish to see them is selfish and rude, and certainly not the way to treat one's friends.

Consider which is better for your own well being, as well as which is better for the strength, honesty, and respect of your friendship:

• A relationship based on mutual sacrifice, where both parties claim to care about events that cannot affect them from the other person's life. Where both parties pretend to believe each other's mock sympathies.

- OR -

• A friendship based on mutual respect, where either party comes to the other out of their own selfish desire, seeking some reward from the other person which only s/he can grant them based on their mutually held values.

The choice is yours of course, but which view of friendship really gives the better payoff for your spirit?